The Jones Family Zoo

2010

2010-12-07T12:59:00.001-08:00

Two-thousand ten was quite a year for the Jones Family Zoo! So much happened, that we don't even know where to start so we might as well start with how 2009 ended. On New Year's Eve, we had a nice dinner at Benihana:

The rest of the winter and much of the spring was spent studying and gardening. Matt was finishing his Master of Global Management degree at Thunderbird and Brandi was turning the side of our house into a garden paradise. We had sunflowers, zucchini, squash, tomatoes, cucumbers, watermelon, and many other vegetables:

Brandi also spent part of the spring learning about herbs and essential oils. She made cleansers and creams, masks and steams, and other natural products that helped us avoid chemicals and other nasties...

In early April, we spent the weekend in Sedona with some old/new friends, the Blooms. Matt and Gregg were childhood friends and neighbors. Hiking in Sedona (and by The Grand Canyon), the next generation started their friendship...

On April 30th, Matt graduated from Thunderbird School of Global Management. It was the finale of a nearly two-year journey that took him to Santiago and Prague last year. More importantly, though, it introduced him to new friends and ideas...

Our biggest project in the spring, though, was planning our road trip for Matt's second Intel sabbatical, which began the Monday following graduation. Here is a map of our trip with each over-night stop:

We were on the road for over seven weeks and had a GREAT time! We spent time with friends (both long-time and new) and family, visited some places again and saw many others for the first time. We're still sorting through and posting photos, so rather call any particilar experience out, suffice it to say that the whole trip was life-changing. Kathy, Brandi's mom, stayed at the house to care for the zoo...

While still on the road, Matt started interviewing for a new job at Intel. He got an offer in July to join the Global Trade group as a Technology Advisor and started on August 2nd. As big as this change was for Matt's career, it meant a bigger one for the family since the job was in Santa Clara, California! For about the first 10 weeks of the job, Matt commuted daily or weekly while we looked for a place to live. It took a while, but our search finally ended on Valdez Road in Lompico and we moved on October 23rd.

Please read Matt's post about our moving day. It was quite an adventure!

All in all, 2010 was an exciting year for the Jones Family Zoo. We expanded the zoo (adding several species of lizards and toads), traveled to new places, made new friends and reconnected with long-time ones, and learned new things... However, we did end the year in a way very simliar to how we began it...eating at Benihana! This time, with the Loucks family, whom we met at the LIFE is Good Unschooling Conference in May in Vancouver, WA:

We hope you all had a great 2010 and wish you all the best in 2011...

Love,
The Jones Family Zoo

Matt, Brandi, Joshua, & Jacqueline - the humans
Oscar, Casanova, & Bluebell - the dogs
Lucky & Cowboy - the cats
Sephira & Katara - the bearded dragons
Lizzy & Bizzy - the green anole lizards
Toad & Toadsworth - the fire-bellied toads
Spike - the corn snake
Sakana - the betta fish
Hissy & Family - the Madagascar hissing cockroaches

Cartoons

2010-12-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I posted the following as my status update on Facebook:

Change your profile picture to a cartoon character from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. Until Monday (Dec 6) there should be no human faces on facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is a campaign to stop violence against children.

Many of my Facebook friends did something similar... The picture I chose was Phineas, from the Disney Channel show "Phineas and Ferb." Here he is:

Now, I had to admit that this show isn't technically from my childhood. However, I claimed "childhood reprise" in honor of my kids. Anyway, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because of a comment someone else made.

I'm confused about why cartoons as a fb profile picture help fight against Child Abuse. Particularly since cartoons aren't known for lack of violence or the proliferation of peace and respect. Perhaps posting a picture of yourself as a child might remind everyone of how children are people, too. Why would we want to remove the human face as a message?

I totally agree, but would like to explain anyway. Cartoons are a great escape from reality. Whether that escape includes violence isn't really the point. If someone's reality includes violence, then maybe seeing cartoon violence (where the characters are always whole again in the next scene) is just what they need.

A childhood picture might be a reminder of a time that wasn't that happy. Personally, I'd rather be reminded of a time when I was able to escape from my childhood than of a time that's actually from my childhood. It's not that my childhood was bad...let's just say I'm glad it's over and I'm REALLY glad to have the opportunity to reprise it with my own kids...

This brings me to Phineas. I chose Phineas because he's an inspiration to me. He's smart, caring, imaginative...all of the qualities I admire about my kids. If you've never seen the show, here's the opening sequence:

Because the show takes place while the kids are on summer vacation, there's no school dynamic interefering with the fun. Phineas and Ferb learn what they need to know in order to do what they want to do...it's a lot like unschooling.

Thinking about cartoons, especially Phineas and Ferb, I'm reminded that my role as a father is to provide my kids with a safe environment in which they can grow. Not just physically safe, but also emotionally safe. Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm against any kind of physical child abuse, but I'm just as against emotional abuse...which is much harder to identify, especially because it's a matter of perspective.

In my every interaction with my kids I try to see from their perspective, beyond the moment and into the future. This is because in the future my kids will look back on these interactions to define our relationship. If, in 30 years, they're asked to choose an image that reminds them of a childhood memory, I hope they want to choose one that reminds them of me.

Moving Day

2010-11-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

October 23, 2010 was the day that the JFZ moved from Chandler, Arizona to Felton, California. What follows is the story of that day written by me, Matt...

Here's what we looked like at around 5:00 in the morning. Our plan was to hit the road by 5am so that we could make it to Felton before nightfall.

We took three vehicles. Brandi's mother, Kathy, drove her car and Joshua rode with her. Brandi drove the van and Jacqueline rode with her...along with the dogs. I drove the Jeep containing the rest of the zoo (including two VERY pissed off cats) and pulling a 12x6 U-haul trailer. By 5:15, we were on the 101 heading north and the trailer started oscillating to the point that it would have been suicide to drive at highway speeds. I pulled over and discussed the situation with Brandi. Our options were:

1) Wait for U-haul to open at 7am, swap the trailer for a truck, and tow the Jeep behind it. (This would delay us for several hours...not ideal.)

2) Wait for U-haul to open at 7am, buy a hitch post for Kathy's Nissan, and have that tow the trailer instead. (Her Murano has a higher towing capacity than my Jeep, but then I'd have to drive her car and her mine...not ideal for either of us.)

3) Remove some weight from the trailer and try again.

We decided to go for option #3. The trailer had a lot of heavy stuff in it near the back, so we moved that to Kathy's car and tried again. By 6am, we were on the road and everything seemed to be okay. By around 9am, we were crossing the Colorado River into California!

Our M.O. was for Brandi and Kathy to get ahead of me so they could stop longer for the kids and dogs. I'd pull over whenever they called, but only stay still as long as necessary. Our first stop was for breakfast at Denny's in Blythe. This gave us a chance to stretch our legs, get some food (and coffee!), and walk the dogs.

It was pretty ridiculous to think we could get all the way to Felton (just north of Santa Cruz) before dark since it took us until 3pm to make it to Santa Clarita (just north of LA). However, we didn't want to stop for the night because of the animals. Leaving the cats in their carriers overnight was just as unappealing as letting them out in a hotel room and trying to re-capture them in the morning. By 6pm, the clouds on I-5 were looking very ominous and it was raining steadily soon after.

By around 10:30pm we were in Santa Cruz. Kathy was staying at a hotel there, so the plan was for Joshua to ride with me in the front seat of the Jeep the last leg of the trip. At around 11:00, roughly 18 hours after our initial departure, we were on Lompico Road and getting ready to go up the mountain to our new home.

The trailer had other plans.

Watch the video below and imagine that drive in the dark, in the pouring rain, and after 18 hours on the road. The turn at the 1:22 second mark is where the Jeep's tires started spinning and I said to Joshua, "I think we're in trouble, pal."

Of course, I didn't mean "WE'RE GOING TO CRASH!!!" but that's how Joshua interpreted it and he looked pretty scared. In hindsight, I should have been more clear: "I don't think that the Jeep is going to be able to pull the trailer up the mountain in the rain. Let's make sure we don't slide back into Mom." We pulled off the main road onto a side street that was fairly level.

Brandi and Jacqueline left to get help. Joshua and I tried to figure out what to do...

Unable to turn around, we decided to unhitch the trailer and leave it there. No one appeared to be home at the nearest house, which was just as well. I borrowed a heavy metal pipe that was leaning against a shed to lever the trailer off the hitch.

Meanwhile, Brandi and Jacqueline went to the Trout Farm Inn (a bar on E. Zayante Rd.) and called us from someone's cell phone. (The proprietor told Brandi that "normally, she wouldn't introduce her to these people" which made us wonder...) Joshua and I drove down to meet them and we all headed up to the house.

We arrived at around 11:45, let ourselves in using the key that our realtor left for us, and got the animals inside. We put the dogs in Joshua's room and the cats in the master bathroom. (They're going to be VERY hard to get into their crates for their next visit to the vet.) The others were brought upstairs.

We slept for about four hours (more than the night before) when I woke up concerned that "these people" might think that taking our trailer would be a good idea. While still dark (and still raining, of course), we started unloading the trailer a carload at a time. It took until about 3pm to empty it completely, which left just enough time to get it returned to U-haul in San Jose...

By this time, Kathy was at the house, so Brandi and I could leave and get this done. Not able to just hook the trailer back up to the Jeep and turn it around, I used my trusty metal pipe to lever it around about 45 degrees. This was all I could do as it was starting to slip off the road. Fortunately, it was enough. I hooked the chain to the Jeep's hitch and pulled it around the rest of the way. After a little trial-and-error, we got it re-hitched and were on our way!

Later that evening, Kathy took this picture of us getting ready to walk the dogs. Note that Brandi and I were still wearing the same clothes we had on in the first photo...

Well, we made it and we're glad to be home! No matter what happens to us while living in this house, it seems unlikely that we'll have a tougher weekend than our first...

I'm That Mom

2010-07-27T10:12:00.000-07:00

This post was inspired by Ronnie's blog carnival that was started by Flo's post! Thanks Ladies!

I'm that mom that my kids never want to leave. I'm that mom that was told that I make home too much fun when my kids didn't want to go to school. I'm that mom that loves to do crafts and play with my kids. I'm that mom that can sit and play video games with my son all day long and do nothing else. I'm that mom that gets just as excited as my son when a cool new game is coming out, and pre-orders games months in advance while anxiously awaiting for there arrival with Joshua. I'm that mom that is fascinated by life all around me and loves to collect bugs and watch animals with my kids. I'm that mom that doesn't say no to new pets (if we can properly care for them) and that might be why we're up to 14 at this time... I'm that mom that orders ladybugs and praying mantis eggs every year so we can watch them, play with them, and release them into our yard. I'm that mom catching crawdads, fish, tadpoles, bugs and more in pools of water. I'm that mom that can spend hours on the beach looking in tide pools, playing in the sand, and looking for shells with her kids. I'm that mom that doesn't say yuck to creepy crawlies except spiders (ewww).

I'm that mom that happily (most of the time) cleans her kids rooms for them when they want it done. I'm that mom that lets her kids eat when and what they want. I'm that mom that is working on staying calm on the inside and outside when my very intense, amazing daughter blows. I'm that mom that traditional parents think should take her daughter in hand when she begins yelling at me and I calmly talk with her and hug her.

I'm That Mom that knows her kids are absolutely amazing people and wants them to enjoy life in the here and now; not waiting for someday.

-brandi

Thanks Ronnie and Flo for getting this carnival started. It's been great to read all the wonderful posts but it also helped to reaffirm my own beliefs in myself as a mother and that was much needed. Thanks!

What Families Do

2010-07-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hi!

The week after Father's Day, we were in Grand Junction, Colorado staying with Brandi's friend, Teresa. Dade, her eldest child and only son, turned 11 in April. One day, Dade was sitting on the couch playing a video game while Joshua was watching, when Teresa's cousin, Connie, came into the house. She was carrying some litter she had picked up outside and immediately commanded Dade to take it to the trash in the kitchen. Dade, hopped to it. Joshua, on the other hand, asked, "Why don't you do it yourself?" Brandi and I kept our mouths shut and suppressed smiles. Connie couldn't answer. Thursday, Connie posted this on Brandi's Facebook wall:

I'm glad that she's thought a lot about it. I'd like her, and anyone else with similar tendencies, also to think about this: "That's what families do" explains why Dade did it, but it doesn't explain why she asked. (This makes the dubious assumption that Dade felt like he had a choice in the matter. It didn't seem to me like he felt he did.) Anyway, Connie could have come in, thrown the litter away herself, and asked Dade, "Can I bring you a drink?" Had she done that, then "that's what families do" would have explained her actions. As it happened, though, it doesn't.

Why is it that adults often feel that whatever kids are doing isn't as important as something they'd like them to do? I'm guilty of this myself sometimes. (For the record, it's not just with the kids. I'm sometimes just as disrespectful of Brandi. I'm working on it.) The heart the matter is respect. I agree that "what families do" is often "help each other out." However, it's more important that "what families do" is to be respectful of each other. What it means to be "respectful" is more than semantics and I agree that respect has to be earned. Unfortunately, if kids always see authority figures as those who can treat them disrespectfully, then they're likely to grow up to be adults who don't expect to be treated with respect -- either by others or by themselves. By doing my best to be respectful of my kids, and any others I meet, I'm preparing them to expect the same from others. We're helping each other out, because, as Connie wrote, that's what families do...

Thanks,
Matt

Gem and Mineral Show

2010-01-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Matt and I took the kids to a gem and mineral show at Mesa Community College. We love rocks and fossils so we figured we'd have a good time and we were correct. It was the last day of the show and we were there near the end so the kids got some good deals. We gave each of them $10 to spend on whatever they chose to spend it on. Jacqueline's was gone quite quickly and than we got to listen to her beg Joshua for one of his dollars while he decided what he wanted to purchase. The show had some amazing dinosaur fossils (I forgot my camera, so no pictures), pretty jewelry and lots and lots of rocks and crystals besides some petrified wood. We saw some petrified wood that had been carved into a big fish, it was very beautiful. Joshua ended up buying some shark and ray teeth, a quartz crystal, some marbles, some crystal rocks, some kryptonite round large marble shaped rocks that glow under uv light, and he purchased another mineral deposit that he liked (the lady was quite impressed that he picked out such a nice specimen on his own and gave him and Jacqueline some free amythest beads). Joshua was amazed at what he was able to buy with his $10. Jacqueline bought some quartz crystals, a heart shaped stone with a flower in it that goes on a cord for a necklace (the lady gave her the cord for free), and some marbles. She brought all of these to bed with her in our bed in a bowl and I awoke once when they all spilled and helped her put them away. They don't make good bed buddies, too hard... The outing was a success since they've asked to go again when it comes.

Banana Bread

2009-11-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, after a couple of requests made after Matt posted about liking this banana bread, here is the recipe. I can't take full credit as I found it online somewhere but I did add peanut butter to see if Matt would like it. Yesterday's batch I had Matt add the peanut butter and I have no idea how much he added...

3 or 4 ripe bananas, smashed
1/3 cup melted butter
1 cup sugar
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
pinch of salt
1 1/2 cup flour

No need for a mixer for this recipe. Preheat the oven to 350 F. With a wooden spoon (i used plastic), mix butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix in. Add the flour last, mix. This is where we add peanut butter (whatever amount you'd like). Pour mixture into a buttered 4x8 inch loaf pan. Bake for 1 hour. Cool on a rack. Remove from pan and slice to serve. Enjoy!

Good Vibrations 2009

2009-09-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

From September 10th - 15th we attended our first Unschooling conference in San Diego, Ca; Good Vibrations 2009. I was a little apprehensive but extremely excited to go and see lots of other unschooling families, especially those with teens and those who have been unschooling longer than us. The conference itself was made up of presentations, round table discussions, and funshops. Both Matt and I each made it to a couple of the presentations but ended up spending most of our time following the kids around.

Joshua was confident enough to disappear with new friends to the pool or their room, or the game room or a funshop. He had a great time meeting and playing with other kids. I can't remember a time when I've seen him so comfortable with other people so quickly. Pretty much everyone was very welcoming and I think he felt completely accepted.

Jacqueline met up with Sloan, a girl from Buckeye that we had met before but whom she didn't want to play with at their first meeting. She quickly became friends with Sloan and wanted to spend most of her time with her newfound friend. Jacqueline and Sloan attended the face painting and tattoo funshops on Friday before we headed off to our surfing lesson.

Joshua and I had originally signed up for the surfing lesson but my physical therapist thought it would be a very bad idea for me at this point so we switched to Matt and Joshua. Jacqueline had absolutely no interest in trying to surf. She played with Sloan on the beach while I took some pictures of the surfers. Joshua did one wave and was done. He had a cut on his knee that was really bothering him and he decided not to do anymore. Matt went out again and again. I think if we lived closer to the ocean that we'd live at the beach!

The rest of the weekend just flew on by as we attended different activities and tried to keep up with the kids. Jacqueline and Sloane met Holly and Matteo (2 unschooled teens) and Jacqueline fast fell in love with them.

Joshua had fun climbing a tree out near the pool and we saw some huge snails. Jacqueline became friends with one and made the snail a home in an empty planter.

Joshua and Jacqueline participated in the Fairy Godparent activity. You put your name and information (interests, etc.) in a hat and everyone participating draws a name. Than you spend the weekend making your fairy godchild feel special. Both of them really enjoyed getting little things and notes that did make them feel special but they also had just as much fun making our 2 fairy godchildren feel special. Unfortunately, we were unable to find one of our godchildren who was not staying at the hotel and no one had ever met before. We ended mailing him a note with his little trinkets when we got home. We hope he enjoyed them. Our other child was one floor above us and we had a blast leaving things at his door, knocking, and running as fast as we could back to the elevator. It made Joshua fee grand the first time to hear the door open from down the hall and hear a surprised, "Cool!". We can't wait to participate in another fairy godparent activity at another conference soon.

We had a wonderful time meeting so many like minded people in one place and can't wait to have the experience all over again as soon as we can swing it!

To see the rest our pictures from the conference, click here.

-Brandi

Lemon Chicken

2009-09-23T07:29:00.001-07:00

Hi!

I cooked three pounds of chicken last night and as it's one of our family favorites, I thought I'd share the recipe. This is an Italian-style (as opposed to Chinese) lemon chicken made with white wine and capers. Here are the ingredients:

- 3lbs of chicken, trimmed of fat and cut into chunks (~4 to a breast)
- 2 sticks of unsalted butter (not margarine or some other fake crap)
- 1 cup of lemon juice, preferably fresh-squeezed (it makes a difference)
- 1 cup of white wine; use one you like, single-serving bottles are enough
- 1 3.5oz jar of non-pareil capers, drained; use more if you like
- Enough olive oil; use the best you can find, Canola is never the answer!
- A coating mix that is half-flour and half-garlic powder

Heat the pan to medium-high, between six and seven out of ten on my range. Pre-heat the oven to ~200 degrees. (This will make sense later.) Put some olive oil in the pan; how much depends on the stickiness of the pan and your penchant for olive oil. Coat a piece chicken in the flour/garlic mix and drop it in the pan. Repeat until the pan is full, but not so full that you can move the chicken around with a shake of the pan. After a few minutes, flip the chicken over. When the chicken is done, transfer it to something you can keep in the oven. This will keep the cooked chicken warm while you finish the rest...

After the chicken is all cooked and in the oven, pour the lemon juice into the pan. Don't clean the pan first! If there are stuck bits of chicken, let them be a part of the sauce... Let the juice simmer for a few minutes. Pour in the wine and stir for a bit. Let it all simmer for a few minutes. Cut the butter into patty-sized chunks and melt it into the pan. Don't let it just sit there; stir constantly so that the butter, lemon juice, and wine are mixed together very well. After the butter is melted and the mixture is smooth, pour in the capers. Stir for a bit, then pour the sauce over the chicken.

The whole chicken/sauce mixture can stay in the oven while you prepare the rest of the meal. We usually have this with pasta, but it's good with rice and by itself. If you choose pasta, pick one with a lot of surface area so that the sauce will stick to it. Keep in mind that three pounds is enough to feed six to ten people. If you want to cook less chicken, don't cut the sauce recipe by the same proportion. The least amount of sauce I'd recommend is half of what's given above, even if you only cook one-quarter the amount of chicken...

Enjoy!
Matt

Irvine, CA

2009-09-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

At the end of August we accompanied Matt to Irvine, Ca, where he taught a class at the Intel site there and the kids and I went along to play at the beach.

We arrived on Wednesday, August 26th and checked into our motel in Santa Ana. Than we drove down to Dana Point to go on a whale and dolphin watch. The waters were pretty rough and we only got to see some sea lions and a school of dolphins which in and of itself was very cool.

Joshua loved being out on the water even with the boat tilting crazily...

Jacqueline on the other hand spent most of the time in some state of anxiety and sat with Matt. Though by the end of the trip she was much more comfortable. I wonder if her boat anxiety might have something to do with her first and previous boat experience of being on a sailboat in Mexico with huge swells and going back in because the coast guard called everyone back...

On Thursday, the kids and I spent the day at Huntington Beach. We were there for just over 6 hours and played, played, played. We arrived in the morning around 10am and there were very few people on the beach but by the time we left in the late afternoon it was pretty crowded.

We all took lots of sand back to the motel in our suits; more than we were expecting...

On Friday, the kids and I went to The Aquarium of the Pacific. Here we got to see and touch lots of local sea critters. It was awesome and we'll definitely be visiting again.

After the Aquarium we picked up Matt from Intel and headed back to the motel to get our suits on. Then we headed back to Huntington Beach where we rented a large bike buggy to ride around the boardwalk.

After we finished riding around we went and played on the beach together. Matt had lots of fun body surfing and diving into the waves. Joshua eventually tried it as well but we didn't get any pictures...

On Saturday we went Ocean kayaking down in Laguna Beach. It was awesome! We will definitely own kayaks if we ever live near the ocean. Jacqueline and I were a little nervous before we began but once we got out there in the water it was so cool! It was a 2 hour guided tour and I was worried that my arms were going to be pretty sore but luckily they weren't sore at all. We had 2 double kayaks; one with me and Joshua and one with Matt and Jacqueline. I could have spent the whole day out there in that kayak. After our kayaking trip we went to another beach and played! We love the beach!

To see all of the pictures that were taken on this trip, please click here.

-Brandi

NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

2009-09-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

Hi!

I found this post titled "How to Raise Your Kids—and Maybe Your Company, Too" through Guy Kawasaki's blog. I was more interested in the kids part of it. Here's a Q&A with authors of "NurtureShock," Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman:

1. Question: Are children “little adults”? Do their minds work like an adult’s?

Answer: Of course, if you ask a parent if his child’s brain works the same as his, he’ll say, “No.” However, in practice, it’s surprising how often we expect kids to respond to things in the same way that adults do; we use ourselves as the frame of reference.

A good example of that is how adults use praise. Adults expect praise and financial rewards for their good work—bonuses are motivating. So people assume praise or prizes—even money—motivate kids, but there is no evidence that’s true. If anything, the opposite seems more true. Kids increasingly seek activities that bring immediate, tangible benefits, and doing something just for the joy of it fades away.

2. Question: If they aren’t “little adults,” should we do the opposite of what adult-logic would suggest?

Answer: It’s enough to stop assuming that kids share our perspectives and start asking kids what they understand. Even young kids can be quite articulate about how they see the world, and hearing their answers can lead to some fascinating insight. Almost all 5-year-old kids know that lying is “bad,” but then scientists asked them why lying was bad. The kids replied that lying was bad because it got them punished. It had little to do with the value of honesty.

3. Question: What should one do if he/she sees friends or relatives praising their kid’s intelligence?

Answer: I’d suggest that they focus their praise on what the kid is doing—that is, “You worked really hard on that, didn’t you?” My very-short-hand cocktail party explanation for the research on praise is that praising intelligence teaches kids that success is based on an innate skill either they have or they don’t. What we want to teach kids is that their fate is in their hands—that they can change outcomes, depending on how much they work at things.

4. Question: What’s more dangerous: over-nurturing or under-nurturing kids?

Answer: I’d take the overly attentive parent over the parent who ignored a kid any day. And more enriched environments and interactions are great for kids. There’s some research indicating that more attentive parenting for one kid may change parent-child interactions for generations.

I think over-involved parenting is a real issue only when it prevents kids from being able to make mistakes and work things out on their own. Sure, we can offer advice if they are stuck, but making mistakes is how kids learn problem-solving. I mean, every CEO I’ve interviewed has told me the same thing: it’s in the missteps, not the successes, that you learn the most.

5. Question: On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is strict and 10 is lenient, where should parents be?

Answer: A three, maybe? But the issue isn’t simply about strictness versus leniency: it’s also about warmth. Scholars always look at discipline and warmth of a parent-child relationship at the same time. If the parent-child relationship is generally warm, caring, and supportive, that dramatically improves the effectiveness of discipline. Nancy Darling, a researcher at Oberlin, is the one who really clarified the discipline issue for me. She said that it’s easy to make rules, but it’s hard to enforce them. So the better approach is to set just a few rules on things that a parent believes are truly important, and when those are violated, be consistent in the response (i.e., punishment). However, even for those rules, once in a while, if the kid has a legitimate reason why you should bend a rule, it doesn’t damage your authority to agree. It actually increases your authority because your kid knows that you can be reasonable and fair.

6. Question: How should one teach kids about race?

Answer: There’s a fear, particularly among white parents, that talking about race teaches kids to be racist. But the reality is that parents’ silence leaves kids with a vacuum of knowledge to fill on their own. The other trap is that a lot of us fall into saying things like, “Everybody’s equal.” That’s just too vague for young children to understand: they don’t even know that is a comment about race. The better course is to talk about race in the same way we talk about gender. We have no problem saying, “Girls and boys can both be good at sports.” That’s how we should talk about it.

7. Question: How can you tell if a school is operating according to the findings of your book?

Answer: I hope schools will address how they assess children for gifted programs, so that they become less focused on early testing. I also hope that schools will look past ethnic demographics and determine if kids are having meaningful cross-race interactions outside the classroom.

Schools that require kids to get on buses at 7 am or earlier trouble me. Dr. Mark Mahowald threw down a gauntlet when he told me that school schedules are for adults’ convenience, not for kids’ learning. No one has even tried to refute his argument. School start times need to move back.

8. Question: What’s a parent to do if he/she is basically raising their kids in the wrong way according to your book?

Answer: Both Po and I think that most people do the best they can for their kids, so NurtureShock isn’t about laying blame. We aren’t saying there is a “right” or “wrong” way to raise a child. NurtureShock is intended to catalyze a new way of thinking about learning and growth. I’d rather people read the book with an orientation towards the future, rather than worry about past mistakes.

I do hope that parents and other caregivers consider kids’ actions in light of the science. If the science seems to have an explanation that illuminates their kids’ behavior, then it would make sense to follow the scientists’ recommendations—or look for more information out there. I know there were a lot of things that once I’d read the science, I had to change.

Also, I’d never say that the research applies in every circumstance with every kid. Kids are much more complicated than that. If the science just doesn’t seem to be consistent with that kid’s development, maybe it’ll be more relevant later. The scientists themselves are enormously respectful of parents’ individual experiences.

9. Question: What does it mean if a kid is a skillful liar?

Answer: It depends on the child’s age. Between 3 and 4, almost all kids begin experimenting with some lying. So, at a very young age, the ability to lie actually signals cognitive advancement because lying requires kids to know one reality while trying to convince someone of something else entirely. They have to keep those two competing ideas going on in their heads at the same time. The important thing is how we respond to those initial lies—making sure that kids understand we value honesty. That it makes grown-ups happy to hear the truth, even if the truth means admitting some wrongdoing.

For kids older than 7, lying—skillful or otherwise—is more of a concern. At that point, kids can start to believe that lying is the best way to handle uncomfortable social situations. Once that strategy is in place, lying becomes much more difficult to stop.

10. Question: After writing the book, what child-raising practices have you or Po changed?

Answer: Every chapter changed how we did things. One quick example: I was really struck by an idea that one scholar, Debbie Leong, pointed out: good students know when they are doing well and when they’re having trouble. Kids who struggle are genuinely unsure of how they are doing. The key is to help them develop this self-awareness. So I used to look at a kid’s essay, marking up the mistakes so that he could fix them. Now I point to the paper and say, “Somewhere in this line is a mistake. What is it?” Nine times out of ten, they find it without my help. And if they’ve repeated the error, they often spot it on their own later on. They really become aware of how important it is to pay attention to their work.

11. Question: Your book cites study after study—what if they have their own bias, flaws, etc., such that the studies are no more “true” than what parents are doing now?

Answer: Scientific methodology has transformed over the past ten years. The scholars can now statistically analyze findings to see if they hold true across race, gender, age, and other factors. But beyond that, the best scholars are extremely critical of their own work. They’re the first to point out what their studies do and don’t accomplish; they seem as eager to tell you what went wrong with a study as what went right. And rather than bristle under hard questioning, they usually welcome the input.

As for what’s in NurtureShock, when psychologists, neuro-imaging scientists, demographers, sociologists, and others all independently come to the same conclusions, there’s real strength in the findings. That’s the kind of scientific consensus we wanted to see before we included research in the book. And if a study seemed rife with bias-issues or methodological concerns, we didn’t include it in the book.

Also, we included a lot of specifics on the scientists’ experiments. We did so because we didn’t want people to just take our word on the research; we wanted readers to have enough information that they could make up their own minds about the findings. The value of understanding the scientists’ process isn’t limited to a specific result. It’s more about learning what questions we need to ask scientists now and in the future.

12. Question: Knowing all that you know, what is the one summary piece of advice you want to give to parents?

Answer: Be truthful with kids. While it isn’t necessary to be brutally honest, before I praise a kid, I ask myself if I really believe what I’m saying. If I do, then I think it’s probably right to say. It’s better for a kid to hear parents argue and resolve the quarrel, then it is to pretend the argument never occurred because the kids usually already know about the dispute. It’s the result they’re unsure of. A lot of communication by adults is intended to manipulate kids, and they’re usually on to us. And when we are constantly trying to outsmart kids, it may work in the moment, but ultimately it can hurt our credibility. Then kids don’t believe that they can turn to us when they need some honest advice. If we expect kids to be truthful with us, we should be truthful with them.

A couple of comments... First, I don't think any of this is particularly new. Alfie Kohn wrote "Punished By Rewards" 16 years ago. In it, he cites numerous studies that suggest rewarding kids for "good" behavior doesn't reinforce the behavior, it reinforces the desire to get rewarded.

I also don't think "be truthful" is much of a revelation. Who wouldn't recommend that? What's interesting is that there is an assumption that going to school is the right thing and the goal seems to try and minimize the damage. This is just another reason that I'm glad we're unschooling. Someday, I hope to live in a world where those sending their kids off to schools are the ones who have to justify themselves...

Thanks,
Matt

Cats

2009-08-31T14:17:00.003-07:00

Hi!

No, not the musical, the family pets that we've had longer than any of the others. I've written about the dogs, the snake, and the roaches. Our cats are Cowboy and Lucky. Before I get to them, though, I'd be remiss if I didn't give a recap of our family history with cats. I put off this post for a long as I did not because I love the cats any less, but because there's so much more to write about them...

Sheba

Sheba was first. She, a Siamese, was Brandi's cat when we met and had been Brandi's cat since the beginning of her teenage years. When Brandi left her parents' house to live with me, she brought Sheba.

Bear & Tiger

Bear, who is all brown, is Sheba's daughter and Tiger, who is grey with stripes, is Bear's son. They were also living with Brandi when she and I met, but they didn't come to live with us right away. When Brandi's parents decided to divorce, we took in Bear and Tiger. Bear had been the outdoor cat in the family and had to be declawed (front only) before she came to live with us. We didn't want her to be an outdoor cat. Tiger soon became "my cat" while Sheba was still very much "Brandi's cat." Bear was a bit of a loaner but would occasionally come to us when she wanted attention.

Dexter

Shortly after Brandi and I got married in October of 1998, there was a news story in the Phoenix area about a woman who had literally hundreds of cats in her house. (Seriously, is it ever a man who does this?) Anyway, according to the story, the shelters were about to be overrun with cats and anyone considering adopting should do so right away. Well, we had three cats and I thought it'd be fun to have a kitten, so we adopted Dexter. He was named Dexter because I was wearing Dexter shoes at the time and he started playing with the laces.

Dexter was a wonderful cat and my first real pet. All the others were *technically* someone else's. As a kid, the pets were really Mom's since she cared for them, even my hamsters were more beholden to her care than to me. The other cats were acquired via Brandi and didn't really count. Dexter was the first animal who was mine. I really felt responsible for him.

My use of the past tense should tell you something bad happened. Well, Dexter disappeared in May of 2005, around Friday the 13th. He was declawed, but still fiercely protective of our property. We figure he was probably killed in a fight or by a cat-hating neighbor, but we'll never know for sure. Jacqueline bears a scar on her left hand from a nip he gave her when she tried to "ride him like a horse" as a toddler. I think of Dex whenever I see that scar, or any other orange cat.

Cowboy & Lucky

In late June, we decided to adopt a kitten for each kid to ease the loss of Dexter. Joshua wanted a black kitten and Jacqueline just wanted a cute kitten. We went to the shelter and found a litter that had one black cat and three grayish ones. The black cat was good enough for Josh and I grabbed one of the others for Jacq.

Cowboy got his name as a result of the Woody (from "Toy Story") costume Joshua was wearing that day. (We joke that if he'd been wearing his Buzz Lightyear costume, the cat would probably be named "Spaceman.") Jacqueline agreed that her cat was "lucky" because I could have grabbed any of the three. Here are pictures of the kids with their kittens shortly after getting them home:

From 5 to 2

Within a few months of getting the dogs, Bear and Tiger disappeared. Bear was still an outdoor cat at heart and would often be gone for a day or so. When it stretched into three, we knew something was wrong. Tiger would be gone for a day or so, then back for a bit, then gone for a bit, and so forth. We tried keeping them trapped in the house, but a determined cat is going to get out if he or she really wants to. I still see cats around that remind me of Bear and Tiger, but can never get close enough to know for sure. Unlike Dexter, who we're pretty sure was killed, we like to think that Bear and Tiger just found dog-free homes and are living happily. It saddens us that they chose not to stay...since Brandi had a dog (albeit a small one), we figured they'd get used to them. Maybe if they had their front claws...we didn't have Cowboy or Lucky declawed at all.

Sheba's health had been an issue for a while. She had kidney problems that prevented her from being comfortable in a litter box. The vet told Brandi that she couldn't be cured, only made comfortable. Last December, right before Christmas, Brandi made the difficult decision to have Sheba put down. I was home with the kids and can't imagine what she went through. Sheba had been with her through junior high school, high school, college, a decade of marriage, and the birth of two children.

Here are pictures I took of Cowboy and Lucky last night:

We're now a two cat family and that's how we'll stay. I hope Joshua and Jacqueline are lucky enough to have with their cats the kind of relationship that Brandi had with Sheba...

Thanks,
Matt

Spike

2009-08-31T14:17:00.001-07:00

Hi!

Spike is an albino corn snake and was Joshua's Christmas present in 2007. Corn snakes are harmless and are pretty cool pets. Here's a picture of spike starting on his weekly meal:

When we first got him, he ate three pinkies per week. Now he's up to three fuzzies. If you click on the "pinkies" link, you'll see what they look like and can easily imagine what a "fuzzie" would look like...

Why a corn snake? Did I mention they're harmless? As a kind of constrictor, they can be very cuddly (for a reptile) and it feels really...interesting. The strength along every centimeter of his body is obvious. One of the Kindergarten class pets at Desert Sun is Corndog, who is also a corn snake. Corndog is full grown and spent several long weekends and vacations at our house, so we knew what to expect. Here's a picture of me and Joshua with Corndog:

More pictures can be found on our SmugMug site. Snakes are really low-maintenance pets. They need to be fed and watered about once per week and can be held any time (as long as they haven't just eaten). In this regard, I consider Spike to be a "real" pet...

Thanks,
Matt

Three-Dog Family

2009-08-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

Hi!

We have three dogs -- Oscar, Casanova, and Bluebell. Oscar, a retired racing greyhound, was Brandi's birthday/Christmas present in 2007. We adopted him from Arizona Adopt A Greyhound, which operates out of the Phoenix Greyhound Park. During his career, Jo-EZ Oscar H, had over 50 top-four finishes and nine wins. He was retired after pulling his groin muscle. Here's a recent picture of Oscar:

His race weight was 73 pounds and he still weighs around that now. (We should all be able to maintain our weight so well after retirement.) He's still pretty fast. He reached 28mph at an event at PGP last November and that was a short run they'd setup for that purpose.

Oscar was six in July; our other two dogs are our puppies. We adopted them one year ago this weekend from Gentle Giants Rescue in Southern California. GGR is owned by Tracy and Burt Ward and they bring dogs from all over the country to their place. (Burt was Robin in the original Batman TV series. He may have been a superhero on TV decades ago, but now he's a superhero in real life.)

Our plan was to adopt a dog as a companion for Oscar, but after we got there we decided to let each kid pick a puppy. Jacqueline picked Bluebell:

She wanted a "girl dog" and Bluebell was the first such dog through the gate. At the time, Bluebell was too young to be fixed. This meant that Joshua had to pick either another female, or a male who was already fixed. Tracy recommended Casanova and Joshua agreed:

Bluebell, who will be two in November, and Casanova, who turned two earlier this month, are borzoi. A "classic" borzoi has really long hair. Bluebell is a short-hair and Casanova is a medium-hair, so they don't have that classic "long-haired greyhound" look. Bluebell is very rambunctious and Casanova is the sweetest dog I've ever met. They play in the yard together and can both run like the wind. The above picture doesn't really capture Casanova's size, so here's one taken last August:

He had just been groomed and we were about to go swimming. Casanova is now slightly taller than Oscar and Bluebell is a bit shorter. Both weigh less than Oscar, though, but we expect Casanova to be the heaviest when he's full-grown. They've been a great addition to the family...

Take care!
Matt

Hissy and Chippy

2009-08-31T14:15:00.001-07:00

Hi!

Joshua's Kindergarten class a couple of years ago at Desert Sun had Madagascar hissing cockroaches as class pets. When one had babies, the teacher offered the progeny to the students. Joshua (and Jacqueline) both thought this was a great opportunity to expand the menagerie that is our household. At first, I balked. I mean, who wants to welcome cockroaches into their home? Joshua made a good case, though: He said that they're not vermin because they're pets and they don't have diseases because they were born in captivity. I relented. Joshua's is named Hissy and Jacqueline's is Chippy. Here's a photo of their habitats:

Here's a close-up of Chippy:

Hissy likes to hang out right under the lid, so I couldn't get a good picture of him. I assume (and let the kids assume) that Joshua's is male and Jacqueline's is female. This justifies our keeping them separate. In fact, we have no idea but don't want to take a chance. The Wikipedia site explains how to tell male from female, but I'd still prefer not to take a chance.

One nice thing about cockroaches is they're hearty pets, as you might expect. The kids totally ignored them for a couple of months and with a little water and food, they bounced right back. Two days of the same treatment would kill most fish. Of course, "pet" is not what we do with them...but that's also true of fish...

Thanks,
Matt

Welcome to the Zoo!

2009-08-31T13:43:00.000-07:00

Hi!

Welcome to the Jones Family Zoo! Let's start with the human animals: Matt, Brandi, Joshua, and Jacqueline. These pictures were taken in Huntington Beach on our recent trip to California.

Matt enjoys listening to podcasts, writing (www.mattdtm.com), studying martial arts, teaching and spending time with his family:

Brandi can often be found sewing, reading, gardening, playing video games, or lately making jam:

Joshua loves to play video games, build with legos, watch funny shows, play Pokemon and questions everything:

Jacqueline loves to make potions, use makeup, play webkinz, play with stuffed animals, and swim:

We'll be publishing posts on our non-human animals as well. Stay tuned!

Take care!
Matt